53 Ways Not To Die A Slow And Painful Death
by XxScarletteDravenxX
Summary: 53 ways not to die a slow and painful death by annoying Erik for dummies. you know who you are.


Never steal Erik's undergarments and cuddle them.

Never ask Erik to give you swimming lessons…naked.

Never spy on Erik when he is bathing.

Never play with Erik's Punjab lasso.

Never remove Erik's clothes without his permission…

The words "Raoul", "Vicomte," and "de Chagny" are curse words. If you use them, Erik will wash you mouth out with soap. Therefore, you must not use them.

You must never climb into the coffin while Erik is sleeping.

You must never use the coffin as a floating device.

Auctioning off the swan bed on E-Bay so that you can sleep in the coffin with Erik seems like a very good idea. It's not. Never do it.

Telling Erik you auctioned off the swan bed on E-Bay, and then explaining why, is an even worse idea. Don't do it.

Putting on a long curly wig and dressing up in a wedding dress will not, contrary to even more popular belief, endear you to Erik. Therefore, don't do it.

Reading Erik/Raoul slash out loud is unacceptable and often fatal.

When about to sail through the underground lake with Erik, it is very inappropriate, no matter how tempting, to shout, "Save the gondola! Ride the Phantom!" … I know from experience. NEVER do it.

Telling Erik that black is a sign of sexual desire, and then saying coquettishly, "Hmm…you must be famished," while running fingers up his arm, will not end as blissfully as hoped. Don't even try.

When telling Erik about "Operation: Fop, Meet My Cheese grater", you must never let slip about "Operation: Christine, Meet My Baseball Bat." It will hurt.

You must never play with Erik's dolls.

You must NEVER dress up in Erik's cape, no matter how fun it is to swirl around and say in a deep voice, "Behold! I am the Phantom of the Opera! Bow before me! I sing! I am all-powerful! I need to get laid!"

You must never, ever glomp Erik when he is composing. Or ever. : (

Force-feeding Erik does not work, nor is it a particularly bright idea. Don't even try.

Giving Erik a pamphlet entitled "Anorexia: What To Do When An Eating Disorder Consumes You" does not work either.

You must never, under any circumstances, yodel.

Kicking Ayesha is not a particularly brilliant plan.

Never bark at Ayesha.

Don't refer Erik's lair as "The Bat cave", and Erik himself as "The Dungeon Bat".

Erik does not want to read Harry Potter. You will therefore not ask him if he does.

You should not compare Erik to Severus Snape, Gríma Wormtongue, or any other lurk-happy, creepy guy from any other novel.

You must never put a large sign on Erik's back that reads 'Trademark to Gaston Leroux, re-trademarked to Andrew Lloyd Webber.' He will not appreciate it – plus, it's extremely difficult to hide in the shadows when you have a large white piece of paper stuck to your predominantly black outfit.

You should not call Erik 'Mr. Twirly-cloak-O-Doom', 'Mr. Dramatic-Exit-O-Doom', or 'Mr. Loom-O-Doom'. Or 'Mr. Falling-Chandelier-O-Doom', either.

Don't storm up to Erik and ask in a demanding tone, "Where's the BEEF?!"

Don't sing the Free Credit Report Pirates song.

Don't sing The Emo Song.

Don't sing The Fun Song or anything else from Spongebob Squarepants.

Don't sing any song I find amusing. Ever.

Don't ever, under any circumstances, attempt to hide under/in/behind Erik's cape, pipe organ, coffin, swan bed, torture chamber, fedora, underground lake, gondola, or room.

Don't use the swan bed as a flotation device.

Don't use the pipe organ as a flotation device.

Don't use the coffin as a flotation device.

Don't use Erik as a flotation device.

Don't put a Chucky doll amongst Erik's Christine dolls, especially in a ludicrous position with one of them, and see if he notices. He will. And it will be painful.

Don't purposefully squish a spider in front of Erik.

Don't mistakenly squish a spider in front of Erik.

No matter how arachnophobic you are, Don't ever go through Erik's lair with a can of Raid in an attempt to eliminate all the spiders.

Don't poke Erik.

Don't ever hum the Jeopardy theme whilst Erik is thinking.

Never pee in the underground lake.

You may not ask Erik if he knows the muffin man.

You may not ask Erik if he is the muffin man.

Never, ever refer to Erik as your pet corpse. This will get him angrier than a colony of hornets, and… Actually, you know what? I think I prefer the colony of hornets…

Never, no matter how much of a phangirl you are, wear cat ears, sit by Erik, and ask him to 'pet the kitty'.

Never, ever use the word 'organ' in a provocative way around Erik.

Refrain from calling Erik Michael Jackson.

Don't ask him if his lover is Billie jean and if the kid is his son.

No matter how cool it would be, you must not install a killer sound system in Erik's lair. If I do, he will proceed to show me just how killer it is.


End file.
